Holding On in Faith

Friday July 13, 2012

This afternoon Lincoln and I had a consultation appointment my doctor because because she was out of town at my last chemo appointment. We wanted to sit down and ask her some questions about my last chest CT scan and how that applies to my future treatments. She explained that when a scan indicates that the tumor is ‘stable’ that really IS a good sign. She also indicated that because my tumor is an irregular shape "non small cell highly differentiated," each scan can be a little deceiving due to the angle that the scan was taken. It may actually be smaller than the measurements taken. I told her about my way of thinking about my progress and how I likened it to being on a diet and losing a lot of weight in the beginning and later hitting a plateau and then eventually pushing through that plateau by continuing to do the right things. She said that is a wonderful analogy of what happens to tumors and she's going to use that to explain to her future patients.

I asked her what happens to me from here. She said that I’ll have my chemo #6 next Friday as scheduled. Then 3 weeks later I’ll go in for another PET Scan to get a lot of details about how the tumor is reacting to this current chemo cocktail. If the tumor is completely gone, then we are done. The PET Scan will indicate what kinds of cancer cells are left. If not and there is still some cancer to fight, they will be able to determine if more of the cells that are reacting positive to the current medication are still present, then I will probably have 2 more rounds of the current chemo meds. After that, I’ll have another chest CT scan to assess the progress. If there are different kinds of cancer cells present in my body, then we may need to change up the chemo drugs and try more rounds of some new chemo drugs to attempt to kill those cells. 

I had a number of questions to ask her about my health and some of my symptoms. I told her the neuropathy in my feet is getting worse. It's gone from a 4 last visit to a 6 today. I had on flip flops for comfort and I showed her the sore spots on the bottom of my feet. She immediately reacted and said, “You poor thing! No wonder you are in pain.” I told her I’m managing it with Tylenol throughout the days and nights. It hurts my feet to wear shoes a lot. She suggested I get a slightly bigger pair of tennis shoes that will give my toes more room and support to help with the pain. We talked about a few other symptoms and challenges. I told her I just need to know what is normal and that I just need to ‘bear through’ and what are things that I might be able to do differently to cope with.

After talking with her for some time and realizing that this is most likely going to be a longer journey than I had geared myself up for, I realized that this is a lot to take in. I was surprised that I got emotional in the office. I was so hoping that I was almost through with this treatment and that round 6 would signal the end, but that may very well not be the end of it. It was sobering. She told me that I was doing great and to hang in there and do something fun before next week’s round of chemo.

I walked out to the car with Lincoln and just cried. I’m not sure exactly why. I guess it felt good to have her acknowledge that I am going through some hard things and that I’m doing well with all of it. Cancer isn’t easy. In fact some days, it’s pretty hard and I can honestly say that I don’t like cancer one bit. I want to be better. I want to heal and get on with my life. I need to keep the faith and hold on. I need to hold on.